guilty i am.

also old, but i love it.


guilty never proven innocent yes, i am guilty.
guilty of harboring hate while forgetting love.
guilty of allowing lies to overpower the truth.
guilty of believing in others at times when i did
not believe in myself.

yes i'll admit it to the world that i am GUILTY.




guilty with rebelling against any & everything
guilty of not being afraid to show my faults
guilty of being out of control & wild at times
guilty for remaining true to Yandeh before any
thing else.

guilty for believing in hope while knowing pain
guilty of never accepting what i am taught
guilty of giving my all to those undeserving
guilty of searching for freedom although i am
lost among the found.

i am guilty and proud.

take off your cool.

shedding each layer of falsehood.
removing each piece of social binding
the essence of your soul begins speaking
whispers muffled and covered in tape

baby take off your cool

i'd love to know what you look like stripped
your mask slowly unraveling to reveal you
not the the portrayed you but the real you
every flaw and every perfection visible

i want to get to know you

let me enter through the doors of mystery
so many questions to ask so many scars to heal
tales to unfold if you'd just let it all drift away
no need to hide, or worry it's time for FREEDOM.

i want to see you.


something i wrote on facebook a while back.

you.

in his presence i am utterly breathless
his mere essence leaves me craving more
wishing the time would stop. so this moment
could be treasured forever. every look and kiss
savored never to be forgotten i am him and he is me.
the thought of ever being without you brings tears to
my eyes for your soul radiates penetrating my insides
your worries are my pain.

stuck now..until then :}

make me whole

one day i'll sing this and it will actually mean something.

i used to love HIM

perhaps it was the enigma or the allure of everyone wanting what i had. maybe it was the fact that you weren't what everyone thought i should have or need. whispers of he's not to be trusted infiltrated the processes of my brain allowing he said she said to be what i said. they say you don't know what you have until it's gone. now all is left is awkward stares and longing wondering what ifs , and why someone else is standing where you should be. what's meant to be will be even if it's not now it will happen..only if it's supposed to.

the eyes never lie.

they say the eyes hold the tales the soul guards and keeps safe. unlocked only for those who deserve to see the story beyond the mask. to be discovered rather than told to look into the eyes is to look into pain, happiness, lies and the truth. have you ever looked someone in the eyes no words said, none needed. but you know he/she is the one that holds the last ingredient needed to fill the recipe for love? it's scary in a way but at the same time you both know the other is the one in which was destined for you.

man in the mirror

at what point do we realize that rebellion isn't always the right thing to do? is it before or after we've lost something or someone we know we can never get back? pride is a hell of a thing meant to show the other person that we have "standards" and "convictions"..pride is nothing but insecurities wrapped in bullshit to feed our egos. to tell us that we are doing the right thing, when in all honesty we know we aren't but when we realize it..it's too late. words were said that we can't take back and apologizes mean nothing because the bond was broken for that moment and time. even if one did apologize would we really mean it? i mean considering that at that moment that is what we felt, can one really apologize for their feelings? actions maybe but feelings idk..if i could strip away my pride right now i would but i can't so until then i'm on a journey one breath at a time.




hey mike "If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

misguided reflections

one thing i absolutely love is observing people. people have always told me when i look at them it's as if i'm looking into their soul. perhaps that's true but i have always been able to see past the facade. more often then not i wonder why people do things they know do not please them, or they just wouldn't do had all those people been around. is being a part of the "in" crowd really that important? ..to be continued

the devil's advocate

I've always hoped to grow up and be a child my mother was proud of. It's like a tug of war battle between the me that's trying to find the promise land, and the me that's trying to live for today light one in the air and be worry free. This split in personalities often causes me to feel guilty because she expects more out of me. I can give more but the battle tosses back and forth between the lines of sin and salvation. I guess it's a fine line we all walk trying to save our souls while at the same time maintaining the care free spirits that lay ready to escape us. One day the fighting will be over and it will be interesting to see who has won the WAR, because in the end there can only be one winner.

words unspoken

have you ever wondered why it's so hard to find the right words with some people. and with others they never stop flowing from your soul. it seems as though we can never say what we really want or need at the time until the only person left is ourselves to hear those words.

forbidden fruit.

Have you ever wanted something or someone so badly even if its forbidden. For whatever reason you are unable to attain said person or thing, yet the thrill makes it worthwhile. You are left wonderin what brought you to this place and morals tested because some where down the line the line between forbidden and what your hearts become one

taint my mind.

super villian or super hero.

sometimes i wonder whether or not the actions of myself or others are out of the kindness that lays within or is it some sick cover up. to get us closer to the pearly gates when in reality i could give two fucks about how you feel. if heaven wasn't on the agenda and hell was just another nightmare story told to keep us in line nobody would care, all for one and one for none. questions flood me while answers evade i write randomly because that's just how i think but back to the topic at hand i'd rather live like there is a god than to live like there isn't and found out there is and be fucked. to be or not to be is the name of the game, get in where you fit in.

until next time folks.

cool beans and sweet dreams

haven't done this in a while so yeah...


so this past week has been beyond crazy got into a fight. i don't apologize for anything that happened but i could have handled it better. needless to say people reap what they sew hope the scar on your face heals =]. the fav cousin/sister came to visit good times " is it because your penis is small?" Met 3 amazing people who just knocked at the door, never met them a day in my life but they were great 2 hours of life lessons [i still think they're angels]. everyone keeps saying how dangerous it was but it's unexplainable they were brought to our door for a reason we took them in even after they beat us up. I have three new brothers now. The end is closer for one chapter and completely new for another last month at Prairie View, Nursing school in the fall hopefully but i'm still wondering what the hell i'm doing in college...once I find the answer i'll be dropping out ASAP.

shoot down the stars

so i was having a conversation with my friend about trust and other things on the way to the club lol weird yes but sometimes in the weirdest moments are when the most enlightenment is achieved. anywho trust is a big thing in any relationship whether friendship or love. once trust is broken it's one of the hardest things to ever achieve again especially for me. if i find out you've lied to me all hope is lost for the most part it's hard to trust to begin with so if you lie the me that part of me that has opened up is no more. in any situation where trust is lost in someone or a situation happens to change or distort our belief in each other we tend to blame the other person. i honestly believe that when people lie to us we shouldn't just turn our back on them there was a reason as to why they lied and for every lie there is an ounce of truth that lay within the walls of that lie. i'm a firm believer in god and everything happening for a reason, everyone isn't meant to be your friend but at the same time grudges shouldn't be held. the truth will come out one way or another that doesn't mean to run out and scream every secret you have but don't shut yourself out from others because of it...i'm learning each and every day to do just that because in the end you miss a lot of opportunities from not trusting in people regardless of how much ppl have hurt you.

this wasn't even what i wanted to write but it's what came out =]

please don't strip my mind

umm once again a billion thoughts have passed through this brain today and while i was taking a shower [which i love to do because it's like all worries wash away] until you step out of course. i realized that i spent so much time worrying about everyone else and showing them their worth and what lays within them that i've passed myself up time and time again. it's like being given a gift on your birthday but you never open it instead you go to the kid that's angry and help them out on YOUR birthday. subconciously killing my own blessings because trust in people seems to fail me and i always get the short end of the stick. expect nothing wait for the bad news because it's coming somewhere within the happiness but hope for the best. so then when the good is there excuses pop up as to why happiness cannot be trusted because sooner or later like everything else it's going to be taken away. so walls are built up time and time again so that when it does go wrong n surprises are there because "it always happens this way".. i been taught to numb things sedated don't confront needs. so what happens when it doesn't go wrong?  i love beyonce's song save the hero ..i'm not strong enough to cry despite my disguise..this part really gets me well a little piece of me..i've never let people get to see the emotional part of me but i'm getting better though emotions were always another thing people could use against you so i never showed them. no i'm not a robot but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me from myself at times my heart is too big for it's own good and that's taken for granted a lot..i've given so much of myself and now it's driving me crazy..moving from that lately boys/men whatever you want to call them have been doing more than usual and i question people's motives for everything it's a habit i need to break but breaking habits is hard to do..even hello makes me wonder ppl watching is a hobby of mine though lol and i hear the whispers behind the good intentions but anyway back to the topic at hand lol [ i tend to get off track because my thoughts tend to battle each other whoops] but back to this boy thing relationship never have been my thing probably never will but i would love to be in LOVE the ups and downs everything. I just haven't freed myself enough for another to get in and know me the me that hates putting in contacts and gets extremely flustered at the smallest things lol. Yes, i've been hurt but i'm human we all have but i believe we shouldn't stop our selves from being held in the rapture that love possess. People assume that because i look a certain way and tend to be quiet around people i don't know i'm some stuck up bitch..far from the truth i have my moments just like everyone else but if they knew then they'd know forehead kisses make me cry..simple things matter to me it doesn't take the world to please me just accept me for me. 

take off your cool and lose control.

so school is coming up again and the closer the date gets the more upset i get. i hate school always have and always will being told that these classes are what I NEED to KNOW in order to be SOMEBODY rubs me the wrong damn way. what is college algebra going to teach me about life or computer class for that matter. I SHOULD love school because i'm so good at getting the grades but I say EFF school! I'd rather roam the world freely learning things I love and make me happy no worries no stress of letting ppl down nothing just me. just a year ago i was ready to go into my 2nd semester had to let some friendships go because it wasn't what i wanted or needed for that matter. it's like being in a relationship you know isn't benefiting you but you don't know how to let go and move on without hurting the other person. yes it ended badly , but i was happier with myself for doing it "tell me who your friends are and i'll show you exactly who you are."  it's a year later and i've grown up so much from the person i was just last week ready to finally let people in to who i am and not what they think i am. The real world scares me though lol but i'm ready i think just because it's 2009 doesn't mean i'm going to throw out some lie and say "it's a new me" because it's not i'll always be me diff sides and all. Until then i'll continue to roam in my heels as a free bird .

good intentions.carefree joy

i use to want to have someone who understood. then i realized that you can't expect people to understand where you're coming from because they didn't go through what you did. For others to fully understand they'd have to first experience everything that you have which is impossible. Two people could go through the same things and yet still see different things before them. some days when i'm with my thoughts i drift off wondering why i can never just have nothing floating around in my head. to have no thoughts be clear often times i can't sleep due to the many little dreams and aspirations and words that dance within my head. but it's what makes me who i am the complicated individual who longs for many things this world isn't ready to provide.

until then it's me and my thoughts.