please don't strip my mind

umm once again a billion thoughts have passed through this brain today and while i was taking a shower [which i love to do because it's like all worries wash away] until you step out of course. i realized that i spent so much time worrying about everyone else and showing them their worth and what lays within them that i've passed myself up time and time again. it's like being given a gift on your birthday but you never open it instead you go to the kid that's angry and help them out on YOUR birthday. subconciously killing my own blessings because trust in people seems to fail me and i always get the short end of the stick. expect nothing wait for the bad news because it's coming somewhere within the happiness but hope for the best. so then when the good is there excuses pop up as to why happiness cannot be trusted because sooner or later like everything else it's going to be taken away. so walls are built up time and time again so that when it does go wrong n surprises are there because "it always happens this way".. i been taught to numb things sedated don't confront needs. so what happens when it doesn't go wrong?  i love beyonce's song save the hero ..i'm not strong enough to cry despite my disguise..this part really gets me well a little piece of me..i've never let people get to see the emotional part of me but i'm getting better though emotions were always another thing people could use against you so i never showed them. no i'm not a robot but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me from myself at times my heart is too big for it's own good and that's taken for granted a lot..i've given so much of myself and now it's driving me crazy..moving from that lately boys/men whatever you want to call them have been doing more than usual and i question people's motives for everything it's a habit i need to break but breaking habits is hard to do..even hello makes me wonder ppl watching is a hobby of mine though lol and i hear the whispers behind the good intentions but anyway back to the topic at hand lol [ i tend to get off track because my thoughts tend to battle each other whoops] but back to this boy thing relationship never have been my thing probably never will but i would love to be in LOVE the ups and downs everything. I just haven't freed myself enough for another to get in and know me the me that hates putting in contacts and gets extremely flustered at the smallest things lol. Yes, i've been hurt but i'm human we all have but i believe we shouldn't stop our selves from being held in the rapture that love possess. People assume that because i look a certain way and tend to be quiet around people i don't know i'm some stuck up bitch..far from the truth i have my moments just like everyone else but if they knew then they'd know forehead kisses make me cry..simple things matter to me it doesn't take the world to please me just accept me for me.